Thursday, November 02, 2006

Pregnant in Tijuana

We arrived last night, and went out with Chuck and Stewart to la Cantina de los Remedios which was rollicking good fun, very noisy, mariachi band with busted double bass, the works (I had tongue). Then this morning delicious tripe for breakfast before the stem cells, which was quick and painless, so now I am pregnant, figuratively speaking.

During the operation Gustavo was talking us on with guided meditations and relaxation, and I was thinking of Clancy my darling dog, Gilly my favorite horse, the beautiful garden I created at Park Village... plaiting Cissy's hair for St Christopher's, William as a jolly rollicking baby and jolly again now, the last precious 2 a.m. feeds with Felix when I was keenly conscious of my good fortune as an older mother who could relax and enjoy them.... it was meant to relax me but it made me cry and I had to switch to more robust pleasures. Who would have thought I could be so soft.

So many wonderful memories are loaded, that's the trouble. I was thinking how much I loved the section of the long ride home from Kambala when we swung around Botany Bay to the wetlands by the airport, and the air and water was full of birds. It's all gone. I neglected Clancy, and bitterly regret that he wasn't with us to enjoy the garden. I miss my garden still. I could smell Cissy's hair, and feel it under my hands while she fidgettedas I did it in the neat, complicated cornrow plaits I love.

I really love and miss children, that's the truth, and why I enjoy Cian and Ariana so much. They don't have to be biologically mine, and I do enjoy the freedom of handing them back. I drifted in a pleasant fantasy of grandmotherhood, with cousins playing happily together, and myself suitably lavender-scented, apple-cheeked and grey-haired. Maybe with a paddock for a horse, and room and time for a noble-hearted dog, and some chooks.

I am leary of travelling now, maybe that is why I am more content with home pleasures. And the wherewithal to indulge them.

Stefan professes himself ready to reform his nutrition, take his supplements (as long as I assemble them), but then delayed drinking his foul tasting vegetable juice. It is no good agreeing in the abstract if it is battle on every particular. I am so literal-minded myself, I have real trouble getting my head around such double-think. No cure for it now.

P.S. He drank it.


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